The Virgin’s Guide to Packing for RAGBRAI

Packing for your first RAGBRAI can be a daunting task. Fortunately, the top brass of the Fat Tire Army have taken time out of their extraordinarily busy schedules to provide you with this vigorously researched and exhaustively tested guide to help escort you through the packing process for your virgin RAGBRAI voyage.

WHAT YOU SHOULD BRING:

Personal Gear

  • Money: Figure on about $25-$30 per day on breakfast burritos, pork chops, corn, pie and booze at the local bars. Also, consider pitching in a few dollars on supplemental team beer, Gatorade, Red Bull or whatever else comes up. Lastly, do not forget $300 in personal burial money.
  • Street Clothes: Barely necessary. Pack light: 2 or 3 outfits, unless you’re a female. Then, just try to keep it to a dozen or less, and don’t forget your 3 in. pumps. The weather will be mostly hot as balls, but prepare for cool evenings.
  • Shoes/Sandals
  • Toiletries:
    • Soap
    • Shampoo
    • Deodorant
    • Toothbrush/Toothpaste
    • Feminine Hygiene Products, if you are feminine.
    • Anti-Monkey Butt Powder or some equivocal swamp-ass remedy: Your undercarriage will thank you, as will your shorts.
    • Flushable wipes: These goddamn things were made for RAGBRAI.
  • Raincoat: Skin is also water resistant. Consider nudity during rain showers.
  • Towel: Nearly pointless in Iowa in July, as it will smell like a moldy basement after one use. But, you can use it to wipe stuff up, afterward.
  • Waterproof Baggies: For anything you want to keep dry.
  • Sunscreen: …and lots of it.
  • Medication: Bring enough to share.
  • Birth Control: Your preference: An Ovulation calendar and a thermometer, Birth Control Pills (or for the procrastinator, Morning After Pills), Condoms, Today’s Sponge, a Super Soaker filled with Nonoxyl-9, or a jug of bleach. Just bring it… I’m not asking, Arun.
  • Your Liver

Bike Gear

  • Bike
  • Bicycle Helmet: If you have a Specialized brand helmet, it is mandatory that you scratch off the “i” and the “z” on all of the “Specialized” logo stickers.
  • Cycling Shoes or SPD Sandals: Marc will make fun of you if you wear SPD Sandals, but he understands your motivation.
  • Cycling Shorts w/ Taint Padding: Optional, I guess… but at the end of the week, you’ll be happy with any padding you can get.
  • Sunglasses
  • Water Bottle(s): 1 bottle for water and 1bottle for fuel is recommended
  • Compact Multi-Tool: For quick repairs, adjustments and opening beer bottles.
  • Extra Tubes / Patch Kit / Compact Pump: Ask Arun if extra tubes / patch kits are necessary…
  • Aerobar: Optional but highly recommended, both for aerodynamics and for optional hand/arm positions.
  • Lock: Not really necessary unless you’re bike is worth more than your car. No guarantees.
  • Headlight / Taillight: if you plan on riding at night.
  • Chamois Cream: It’s a lot like lubing yourself up for sex, only with no sex.   Just hot, nasty speed.

Camping Gear

  • Tent: Space efficient, weatherproof, and easy to set up in exhausted and shit-hammered drunk conditions.
  • Sleeping bag / Blanket: Most sleeping bags are too effing hot for IA in July. Last year, I opted for a light blanket and a sleeping pad (below) and I got along just swimmingly.
  • Sleeping pad: Optional, but recommended if you bring only a blanket.
  • Pillow: …for biting or whatever.
  • Flashlight or Headlamp: Although people will look at you funny, a headlamp can double as a flashlight / bike light / reading light / sex light. Very useful.
  • Earplugs: For sleeping through the following….Trains, electrical storms, moaners, screamers, Tim O’Brien mowing through city flower gardens whilst chasing me through town with a stolen lawn mower at 2AM.